Working plus parenting: You'll never get it perfect

“I’ll pick up my daughter at school, and there’ll be that mom who is the room parent who baked cupcakes … and she’s made a craft … and her child is impeccably dressed. I see all those things — and I whimper a little bit.”

Combining honesty and humor, Carolyn Graham, editor of L.A. Parent magazine, spoke to several dozen UCLA working parents in a Jan. 28 Learn-at-Lunch presentation hosted by UCLA’s Staff and Faculty Counseling Center.

“What I’ve had to do is acknowledge I’m not going to be the soccer mom … the PTA person. I can’t be Mother Teresa,” Graham added. “But I can write a note to my daughter – something just between the two of us — and put it in her backpack, or I can make it to one PTA meeting this semester.”

Graham, mother of two — a daughter in elementary school and a son in preschool – also publishes the humor-driven blog, “I Don’t Have Time for This … yet another distraction from doing what you should be doing.”

“We’re all dealing with the same issues … trying to find balance with work and family.”

In fact, she noted, an L.A. Parent colleague who’d planned to do the presentation with her had to bow out at the last minute to stay home with a sick child.

Why is it so hard to be a working parent? Graham discussed the most common challenges, which include finding good daycare, dealing with job pressures and resentful coworkers, and feeling guilty that you’re not doing enough. Seventy percent of parents, she said, report that they feel like they don’t spend enough time with their kids.

“The truth of the matter is you’re never going to feel perfect — like, ‘Ah! Finally I’m spending enough time at work, getting everything done,’” she said. “And, ‘Ah, I’m spending enough time with my kids, everything is great, it’s all perfect.’ There’s always going to be give-and-take.”

Making the transition from home back to work after a period of maternity or paternity leave can be very rough going, Graham said.

Sharing her own experience of having her second child, she recalled, “Going back to work after you’ve had time playing with Legos or watching Teletubbies … it’s a whole new world, and it spins your brain in a completely different direction.”

Returning to a workplace that continued to evolve in their absence, many back-to-work parents find themselves feeling disconnected and off-balance. Add to that the likelihood that you’ll be taking more sick days, which could lead to resentment among colleagues who need to deal with your absence.

“Communicating your feelings to coworkers is often the best recourse,” Graham said. “Otherwise, this is the kind of problem that can fester.”

Meanwhile, finding good childcare is essential – and probably tops the stress list for parents, Graham said. “This is the person who’s going to be with your child most of their waking hours, so there’s a lot of pressure on you as a mom or dad to find the perfect scenario.”

Yet it’s also important to bear in mind that when you do find the right daycare for your child, she said, “it’s an amazing experience for you and for your child, who benefits from new people and experiences.”

And then there’s the matter of continuing to be a partner to your partner.

“Now that you’re a parent, you probably haven’t looked lovingly into the eyes of your partner for quite awhile,” Graham said. “Maybe you can’t even remember when.”

Carving out time couples time is essential.

“It’s a cliché, but what my husband and I do is a date night,” she said. “You have to set aside time for you and your partner to go out, be together, have a conversation and remember why you got together in the first place.”

She also recommended taking advantage of “parents’ night out” services offered by daycare centers and schools. For a fee, “You drop your kids off, and they get entertainment and pizza. And you get two or three glorious hours to finish a sentence.”

And don’t forget finding time for yourself.

When you become a parent, Graham said, “I think you lose a little bit of yourself -- even though you gain this human being and this whole amazing world that you had no idea how great it was going to be.”

Keep your friends, your hobbies and interests that engaged you before you had children, she advised. Take care of your health at the same time that you’re scheduling everyone else’s doctor and dentist appointments.

“Going to the gym, getting your hair done – these are not indulgences. These are things you need to be doing that help guard your self-esteem.”

Skimping on self-care can lead to what Graham calls the “Mommy Martyr Syndrome.”

“You find yourself resentful of your coworkers, your spouse and, most horrific, you’re resentful of that poor little innocent child who just wants one more ‘whatever’ out of you.”

Confessing to coming down with the syndrome herself on occasion, Graham recounted having a meltdown while playing the board game "Candyland" with her daughter. “I couldn’t take it. It was the tenth time we were playing the game … and she was cheating. My husband had to actually escort me out of the room.”

Keeping in touch with other parents is a powerful form of pressure relief, she said.

“Especially for moms. We tend to have a little guilt and shame about how we’re raising the kids,” she said. “That’s why it’s good to talk to other moms. Join a play group or find a meet-up group online. Give each other support.”

Check out these parenting resources:

UCLA Moms: This relatively new group gets together monthly to talk about parenting issues. For information, e-mail Melissa Veluz-Abraham at mveluz@saonet.ucla.edu.

Check out the L.A. Parent website and Graham’s "I Don’t Have Time for This" blog.